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Love through the crystal by ~darkenedhearth:icondarkenedhearth:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Old Poetry Structure > Emotional




Love through the crystal

Sometimes I leave my pessimist self and think about you,
In how your fingers play with my lips,
And your eyes are amused in my mind,
Speaking of how loving or dying.

A subtle sound in the air is fitted in my ears,
Is your voice that slips of your mouth,
Crushes me by its immense serenity,
Makes me sleep without nightmares nor remorses.

Like a child I'm afraid,
Like a stone I am falling down,
And like a demon I´ve been suffering untill this day,
To feel me here, feel me up again.

I am a creature without destiny or reasons,
I just want to love you, I just want to kiss your feet,
And rise in a sky without moon,
A mortality without time.

You are so beautiful through that coffin crystal,
I want to open it and to touch your face,
It seems that you're sleeping, my little princess,
Wait for me, tonight we will meet again.
©2002-2009 ~darkenedhearth
:icondarkenedhearth:

Author's Comments

My first submission here, criticism please.

Comments


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:iconalcatote:
~alcatote Dec 16, 2002, 9:41:10 PM
I'm not so good at criticising people's work, but I can tell you that I like this :) (Smile)
It's interesting, & easy to read without being overly simplisitic. Good job ^_^
:iconae2k:
~ae2k Dec 16, 2002, 9:43:37 PM
Excellent first submission I would have to say. I'm a recent DA submitter as well, and I know how important it has been to me to receive comments from the community.

Your entire poem weaves a story that I couldn't help but feel personally involved with. With every line I felt more and more empathy with the writer's character (which I am assuming is yourself). Your description is priceless... lines like "A subtle sound in the air is fitted in my ears" and "You are so beautiful through that coffin crystal" gave me a sense of imagery that I rarely feel with poetry... you simply made your words come to life.

The stanza leading up to "To feel me here, feel me up again." was surprising and really was a mood setter for me... I felt a sense of attraction before it, and then after it moved to a reverant passion, which was very appropriate for this poem. I love being caught off guard and smiling to myself over a line like this, only to realize that I should have been expecting it with previous lines such as "In how your fingers play with my lips", which obviously hinted at a more physical aspect of attraction.

A wonderful piece I must say... as I have just added it to my favorites. Keep up the great work.
:iconteheimar:
~teheimar Dec 16, 2002, 9:49:54 PM
Welcome to Deviantart!

I must say I also like your poem. It touched me immensly.
:-) (Smile)
:iconunr3al:
~unr3al Dec 17, 2002, 2:13:46 AM
Wow, this is impressive +fav
:icondarkdude:
~darkdude Dec 17, 2002, 10:46:03 AM
Very nice love it to and +fav.

I would comment on it but some on else said what i tought.

:) (Smile)

--
Yes i know, my spelling makes baby jesus cry.
----------
Caution, may contain nuts.
:iconforgiven:
~forgiven Dec 17, 2002, 3:22:43 PM
Excellent, no criticism. Can't wait to see more posts from you soon.

--
katy
:iconreiangel:
~reiangel Mar 6, 2003, 3:19:52 AM
it's reli good, just a line that seems a little out of place:

"I just want to love you, I just want to kiss your feet, "

--
Mass produced hysteria ... still not as good as the way mum used to make it

life is sweet and cookie crunchy :cookie: :cookie: :cookie:
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